Play #5 - The List

My wife is well aware that I have a List and that it is subject to change. I think I shared it with her over a few too many vodka-tonics. Not sure if that makes me a freak. Regardless, I’m covered in the one-in-a-trillion chance that I run into one of these ladies in say a Courtyard in Columbus, OH.

What is the List and who is on it? Well, it’s an insurance policy. In the event that I find a List Member in my hotel room, sans clothing, ready to get busy, I get to indulge with no ramifications to my 10+ year marriage. Likely…uh, no. Fun to think about? You bet.

So to any of the following Honies (in no particular order): Bring it.

1. Marisa Miller
2. The Heidi’s (Montag and Klum – though they don’t have to be together)
3. Maria Sharapova
4. Jessica Alba
5. Sienna Miller
6. Jennifer Anniston
7. Elizabeth Hurley (pre- and post-Austin Powers flicks)
8. Kate Winslet
9. Angie Harmon
10. Bar Refaeli

Wife is down with it. She’s even created her own List. You might want to as well…spice up that dinner conversation. Course, I’ve not ever made it to the Playoffs, so I reserve the right to retract this Play if it back fires.

Play #4 - Third Base

Third Base is the Mecca of Middle School. The key here is to remember that while you will benefit greatly from this experience, it is not about you. There isn’t much that can be done down there without some other body parts, and even then it could be argued its still about her, unless you’re married or not concerned about her impression of you….

It’s about orgasm & stimulating the clit. Do what she likes. Third base is most certainly not about how many fingers you can get in there. (That is not to say that you shouldn’t explore the area thoroughly). That really isn’t pleasant for them, and will likely incent them to avoid you in the future.

Play #3 - The Bra

Unhooking a bra is not brain surgery, but it may feel like it. When permission is granted, get in there as quickly as possible. If you have to go under the wire, do it. Certainly, it is preferable to fully disconnect the bra. And, the best way to achieve this is to use two hands. Some of your friends may judge you for using both. But never mind them, you’ll have more time with the booby….

Do not attempt to unclasp the bra with only one hand unless the situation absolutely requires, or unless you’ve had an above average exposure to bra uncoupling in the past. Work toward ambidexterity within the confines of a monogamous relationship. Then, go with your free hand. Your time to nipple will be greatly reduced, plus the girls will find the experience more pleasant.

Wiki: http://www.wikihow.com/Unhook-a-Bra

Play #2 - Dancin'

School dances create opportunities and challenges for young men. Peer pressure is great, and likely induces you to deny expression of individuality at the dance. It may also seduce you into poking fun of others. Don’t. You’re only contributing to an atmosphere of inhibition.

Learn to dance. Women LOVE men who dance. Certain women aren’t asked to dance. Even though your friends may make fun of you, invite those women to the dance floor. Ask everyone. This skill pays huge dividends throughout your life.

Play #1 - Puberty

Puberty is a merciless process. Just know that most everyone has the same experience: awkwardness with their own bodies; rapid physical growth; seemingly insatiable sexual appetite; and a cracking voice. Oh yeah, and boners, lots of them…..

For teens especially, the faintest whiff of pussy will arouse you. If you’re in a group setting, give yourself extra time to talk the boner down. For example, linger a few minutes more on the couch or in the hot tub, and conjure images of your dog’s pucker hole. Time here can be either your enemy or your friend. Don’t take too long or exit too hastily as you may appear freakish.